


The Future Is a Clean Slate

by AllFuckedUpOnLove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Cuddling, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, Laxatives, M/M, Massage, Movie Night, Self-Esteem Issues, Vomiting, binge eating, hurt!Dean, married au, worried!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 18:31:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllFuckedUpOnLove/pseuds/AllFuckedUpOnLove
Summary: Dean has issues when it comes to food. He likes to eat, but after some comments are made, he decides he has to change his habits. However, things take a turn for the worse, and Dean loses control in a way he never imagined."He couldn’t control himself. Couldn’t stop from stuffing his face. From filling his body to its limits, belly bloated and disgusting. He deserved to be punished. He deserved nothing but emptiness."





	The Future Is a Clean Slate

Dean spent most of his life feeling like an empty pit of nothingness, and he wanted his body to be in perfect alignment with his soul. It was hard, at first, but eventually it became easier. He found a balance, or at least he thought he did.

He had a solid job, a nice house, and a wonderful husband, all the things that should make a person happy, but for some reason he couldn’t keep his doubts at bay. Those pesky little thoughts kept telling him he wasn’t good enough, that Cas deserved someone better, that he was unlovable.

This wasn’t the first time Dean dealt with issues like this, but while on a lunch date with Sam and Castiel, his past decided to sneak its way into the present.

They sat down at a little booth and caught each other up on their lives. Dean ordered his typical burger with everything on it and a side of fries. He was hungry, and attacked the plate, barely stopping between bites.

“Whoa there buddy, you might actually want to chew the food. Your body is going to have a hard enough time trying to break down all the grease and carbs as it is.”

“Shut your mouth and eat your leaves, salad boy.” Dean shot back, mouth full of ground beef. He knew Sam was joking, but some part of him took it at face value.

He probably looked disgusting, shoveling so much food into his mouth. He could feel his stomach growing fuller, his pants tighter. Everything in him told him to stop. But that was the problem.

He couldn’t stop.

Once he opened that hatch, it stayed open. He gobbled down whatever he could get his hands on. Burgers, fries, milkshakes, cookies, pies, God how he loved pie, chips, steak, chicken wings, pizza by the box. He had no self control.

He told himself, only get the burger, don’t get the fries. But he did. Once he saw the menu, he couldn’t hold back. When the waitress came to check on them, he asked for a slice of cherry pie, a side of onion rings, and a soda. If he was gonna go off the deep end, might as well go for the high dive.

He knew he was ruining the day, which was a damn shame since they seldom get to have days like this. Sam was usually busy at his law firm, Cas worked all week at the elementary school, and Dean was a car salesman, so it was rare that their schedules would line up. Cas and Sam seemed to be having a good time though, which was all that mattered.

It wasn’t until the car ride home that the guilt set in. Dean knew he shouldn’t have eaten all of that food. He knew it was too much, and he didn’t care. He looked down to see his bloated stomach nearly popping the buttons on his shirt. It made him sick.

“Are you ok? Something on your mind?” Cas asked, watching Dean space out.

“I’m fine. Just trying not to enter a food coma you know?” Dean patted his stomach and grinned, trying to keep the mood light.

“That’s exactly what I want to hear before you operate a motor vehicle,” Cas joked. He bought it.

Dean’s body was on auto-pilot the whole drive home. The constant feeling of shame and nausea kept his mind occupied. He almost drove past the house, turning into the driveway at the last second.

He thought it would get better once he laid down, but it was the opposite. His mind was racing. He was filled with an emotion he couldn’t quite identify. It was a dreadful kind of worry. Almost a compulsion to fix the wrong he had done. He didn’t know what it meant, or how to deal with it.

“Babe, I’m gonna run to the store real quick, we’re out of milk. Do you need anything?” Cas asked, peeking his head into the room.

“No, I’m ok. I think I’m gonna take a nap.” Dean answered.

“Alright, I’ll be back soon.”

Dean heard the front door shut, and the car pull out of the driveway. He was left staring at the ceiling in silence. Silence seemed to be his enemy, as it gave his thoughts room to shout.

He thought back to years ago, when he got like this. When he hated himself, and hated how much he was eating. He tried not to let himself go to that place, but the longer he sat there, the more inviting it seemed.

 

After a few minutes of deliberating and self-loathing, he caved. He made his way to the bathroom, closed the door, and locked it behind him. He had at least twenty minutes before Cas would be back. If he was going to do this, he’d have to be quick.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He could see the disappointment, the disgust. The monster he had turned into. He didn’t want that. He had to fix it.

He turned on the faucet and grabbed his toothbrush. He kneeled down in front of the toilet, lifting the lid. He took a deep breath, knowing this was wrong, but he knew he’d feel so much better afterwards.

He pushed the toothbrush to the back of his mouth, triggering his gag reflex and suddenly up came the food. The sound of it was wretched, the smell was vile, but hell if Dean didn’t feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders. He repeated the action, again and again, his muscles contracted to spew the sin from his body.

When he felt like he had emptied himself enough, he flushed the toilet and stood up. He looked in the mirror again, this time his lips flush, tears staining his cheeks. He looked worn out, but he felt light. He felt pure.

He washed his hands, and brushed his teeth minty-fresh. He went to the kitchen for a glass of water just as Cas was walking through the door.

“This was a one time thing,” Dean thought to himself. He didn’t know how wrong he was.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

Dean started drinking diet soda and zero calorie sports drinks, after an offhand comment Cas had made. Sam gave him shit for it, but being the health nut he was, he supported the change.

“You’ve got a little beer belly.” Cas said, giving Dean’s tummy a squeeze. “But from what I hear, Dad bods are in right now.”

Dean wasn’t as fit as he used to be, he knew that. And even though Cas had a smile on his face, Dean felt like this was a polite warning. Cas didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so he was dropping subtle hints that Dean was letting himself go. He had to change, and he had to change fast.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

It had been about two weeks, his act had gone unnoticed, and he had lost 4 pounds. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to keep him motivated. He switched his diet to barely 1,000 calories. For breakfast he ate one slice of wheat toast, with peanut butter and sliced banana on top. For lunch he ate baby carrots, celery, and cheese sticks. For dinner he ate chicken breasts and broccoli. It was balanced. It was healthy. It allowed him to keep up appearances without feeling ashamed every time he ate.

He was doing well, then Cas decided to do a movie marathon.

Cas queued up a bunch of movies he knew Dean loved, and set out two big bowls of chips and popcorn for them to share. He also picked up some non-diet soda, chocolate, and licorice. This was supposed to be a fun night, and from what Cas had seen of events like this, it’s an excuse to eat a bunch of junk food. He topped it off with super comfy blankets, pillows, and matching pajamas. He couldn't wait!

Dean really had been excited, seeing as he hadn’t had a day off to spend with Cas in what felt like forever. And despite the beautiful set up, and all the effort Cas had put into it, his heart sank when he saw all the food laid out on the table.

The popcorn was 130 calories per cup, there was probably 4 cups of popcorn in that bowl, making it 520 calories. The bowl of chips was probably 1,000 calories. The candy bars were 350 a piece, the licorice was probably 1,000, and on a bad day, Dean knew he could eat all of it by himself.

He looked up, and Cas was smiling as he ushered Dean to his seat.

“Now, I didn’t know what you would be in the mood for, so I got a variety. We have westerns, comedies, sci-fi, rom-coms. Whatever your little heart desires.”

Dean’s little heart melted at the gesture. He went with a rom-com that he knew was also one of Cas’s favorites. They cuddled under the blankets, side by side, Dean with his arm around Cas’s shoulder.

About 10 minutes in, Cas realized he was the only one enjoying the snacks.

“I don’t mean to hog all the popcorn,” he said, offering the bowl to Dean.

Dean shook his head, “No, that’s fine.”

“Come on, I can’t eat all this by myself.” Cas frowned, offering the bowl again.

Of course you can’t, Dean thought, because you have self control.

He looked at the beautiful man in his arms, and he knew Cas would be hurt if he said no. He knew Cas would get concerned. So he scooped up a handful and ate it. Cas smiled, and Dean thought the rest of the night would be okay.

That was until Cas grabbed a piece of licorice. The red twisted candy was one of Dean’s favorites. He supposed that’s why Cas picked it, but right now, he wanted nothing to do with it. Cas took a bite, before reaching over and holding it in front of Dean’s mouth. Cas wasn’t even looking at him, eyes focused on the film, he just assumed Dean would take a bite.

Dean didn’t want to take a bite. Dean wanted all of the food to be gone so that he wouldn’t have to think about it, but the candy sat before his lips, mocking him. When he looked down, Cas was staring at him with those puppy dog eyes.

“Share with me.” Then Cas swirled the candy so that it booped Dean on the nose.

How could he say no to that?

Dean took a bite of the candy, and that seemed to make Cas happy. It continued on like that for the rest of the night. Cas would pick a treat, eat some, then feed Dean the rest. By the end of the 3rd movie, all the snacks were gone.

All. The snacks. Were gone.

That familiar feeling of guilt began to settle in Dean’s stomach. He couldn’t believe how much he had eaten. He was beginning to panic, he couldn’t let it stay in his body. He made a mistake and he had to make it right.

“I’ll be right back,” Dean said, untangling himself from Castiel’s arms.

“Don’t be too long, we’re almost to the good part.”

Dean snuck away to the upstairs bathroom, hoping the distance would be enough of a cover. He turned on the faucet and kneeled before the toilet.

He took a moment to think about what he was doing. He knew better than this. He knew this wasn’t healthy, but then again, neither was eating a full days worth of calories in one sitting. There was never any balance and it was a joke to think Dean would be able to find it. When it came to eating, Dean was always doing something unhealthy, it was just a matter of fluctuating between the two extremes.

His thoughts began to get the best of him. Would Cas still want to be with a fat pig? He wasn’t worthy of good things anyway. He couldn’t control himself. Couldn’t stop from stuffing his face. From filling his body to its limits, belly bloated and disgusting. He deserved to be punished. He deserved nothing but emptiness.

And with that, Dean grabbed his toothbrush, and shoved it into his mouth, triggering his body to expel what was in his stomach. He heaved and coughed, it felt terrible, but good. He was purging his body of all the wrong. He was fixing his mistake. This was his control.

It was a hard reset. He got to go back to being pure, being good, instead of being a disappointment. He couldn’t let this happen again.

When he was throwing up nothing but bile, he heard a knock at the door.

“Dean? Is everything okay?”

It was Cas. Of course it was Cas, because Dean could never be self destructive in secret. Someone had to find out. He could maybe play it off. It wasn’t too late.

Dean opened the door, wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve.

“BBQ chips, cherry cola, and Twizzlers…” Dean shook his head, “not a good mix.”

“Perhaps you should go a little easier next time,” Cas said with a smile, placing his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean knew what Cas meant, but he didn’t want to eat the damn food in the first place. It was Cas, with his stupid adorable face, and his bat-my-eyelashes-to- get-what-I-want demeanor, who chose to feed him. Dean was more than happy to snack on air.

He decided not to press it. He let Cas walk him back to his room so he could rest. Cas fluffed the pillow for him, made sure he was comfortable, then ran off to make him a cup of tea. He’d probably put sugar and cream and other nice shit in there because he wanted Dean to feel better. It wouldn’t make him feel better.

He tried not to let Cas’s words get to him. He knew he was overthinking. But maybe Cas didn’t want Dean to eat that much. Maybe Cas figured, at some point, Dean would just stop, but he could never stop. Cas knew the truth. Cas knew that Dean was a worthless excuse of a human being. Nothing but a fat fucking disaster. Cas was taking pity on him, hoping that maybe he could go back to being the fit, in control, righteous man he married.

“I’m back, and I come bearing gifts!” Cas sat on the edge of the bed, carefully handing the hot mug of tea over to Dean. Just as he expected, it was sweet and creamy. Dean took small sips, trying not to seer his tongue, but failing miserably. The burn wasn’t entirely unwelcome.

“Hope it helps.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

Dean took a couple more sips, feeling the warmth slide down through him. Cas kissed him gently before leaving him to rest.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

The next morning Dean woke to the smell of chocolate chip pancakes. When he stumbled into the kitchen, he saw Cas cooking.

“Good morning, sunshine! You feeling any better?” He walked over and placed a kiss on Dean’s cheek.

“If I wasn’t, I certainly am now.”

“I made you your favorite. Chocolate chip pancakes, and plates full of bacon.”

Cas meant it. There were literally plates full of bacon set on the table. Dean knew it was supposed to make him feel better. If he was a normal person, it probably would have. But all he saw was the fact that his favorite meal was a stack of sugar-laced carbs, drizzled in syrup, accompanied by pan fried cholesterol and grease.

Cas pulled the chair out for him. As he sat down, the delicious smell hit him. His stomach rumbled a desperate plea for Dean to just give in. He lost whatever self control he thought he had and he dug in. He stuffed his mouth full of the fluffy pancakes and crispy bacon. It tasted like heaven.

Cas was pleased by the sight. Dean seemed happy, and that was all he cared about. He never minded whipping up a decadent meal for the one he loved.

Dean noticed that Cas only ate one of the pancakes and only a couple strips of bacon. There he was again, being everything Dean wished he could be, and doing it so effortlessly. It seemed unfair.

“Would you mind cleaning up? I want to get a head-start on my lesson plan for tomorrow.”

Dean nodded. Cas was so diligent and on the ball. Dean wasn’t sure why Cas chose to marry him, when there were much better suited people out there.

Dean took his time cleaning the dishes, welcoming a distraction. The hearty breakfast was starting to get to him. Cas was in their room grading papers, he’d definitely hear any sounds that came from the bathroom.

He was trapped. All the food, all the calories, he had no way of getting rid of them. The thought was making his head spin, he felt sick, but knew there would be no relief. Not this time. He had to keep the food down. Had to keep it inside of him.

He hadn’t realized how hot the water was till he looked down at his hands. They were scalded red. The steam radiated up, bringing him back to reality.

He turned off the water and took a minute to ground himself. He felt like he was floating, and he didn’t like the feeling of drifting.

He grabbed a towel and finished drying the dishes before carefully putting them in the cupboard. Everything in order. Everything under control.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

His Monday started off poor. He checked his weight in the morning and he had gained two pounds. Two. He knew he shouldn’t have eaten all that damn food, let alone keep it down. He decided to skip breakfast, figuring the best move would be to cut out the high calorie peanut butter.

He was sluggish at work. The customers noticed, his co-workers noticed. He was usually the most charismatic person in the building, so to see him with his head propped up on his hand, nearly falling asleep at his desk, was odd.

“Dean, my man! What is going on with you today?” Dean looked up, and it was his co-salesman Benny.

“Nothing, just tired.”

“You and the Mister up all night rough housing?” Benny joked.

“I wish.”

“Let me get you another cup of coffee. We got a meeting at two, you’re gonna wanna look alive.”

To be honest, Dean had forgotten about the meeting. He wasn’t at his best, and he knew he probably should eat something, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. This was punishment for Sunday. He drank down the coffee Benny brought him, it was black and piping hot, hoping that would stifle his cravings.

The meeting was great for everyone, except for Dean. He didn’t have his materials organized or enough for everyone in the room. He was off his game, and his manager let him know.

 

He was still in a bad mood when he got home.

“Hey honey, how was your day?” Cas asked, from the living room as Dean hung up his jacket.

“It sucked.”

Dean headed to the kitchen and poured himself a drink. It was just a shot of whiskey, which normally wouldn’t draw eyes, but Dean hadn’t been drinking as of late.

“Whoa, I thought you weren’t doing the alcohol thing anymore.”

“After today, I need it.” He tossed it back, and could feel the liquor burn his throat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cas asked, pulling a seat up next to Dean at the table.

Dean shook his head, “No.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about it, as much as he didn’t know if he could. He was scared that if he started, everything would come pouring out, and he couldn’t have that.

“If you have something that’s weighing on you, I’d appreciate you letting me know. I just want to help.” Cas cupped Dean’s cheek in his palm. It was so soft that Dean almost pulled away. He didn’t deserve anything that gentle, that kind, that full of love.

“Bad day at work. I fucked up at our meeting and my boss chewed me out.”

Keep it surface level and he won’t suspect a thing.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure it wasn’t too bad. You’re one of their best guys.”

“I guess you’re right. I still feel like shit though. I should’ve been better prepared.”

“I think I know a way to take your mind off of things.” Cas leaned forward and pressed his lips against Deans.

Dean let his hand drift up into Cas’s hair, pulling him close. He loved these small, intimate moments with Cas. He loved the taste of his lips and his tongue and his breath. He could live forever in a moment like this.

Cas loosened Dean’s tie, his fingers brushing against Dean’s skin. His touch was hot, but feather light.

“Come upstairs with me.” Cas took Dean’s hand and led them to their bedroom. He unbuttoned Dean’s shirt, noticing how tense he was. He ran his hands over his chest and down across his stomach. He could’ve swore Dean was holding his breath.

“Relax, babe. Get on the bed.”

Cas’s voice was a barely a whisper, but Dean knew it was a command. He listened an laid on his back on the bed, watching as Cas rolled up his sleeves.

“On your stomach.”

Dean obeyed, turning so he was face down. He was thankful for the choice of position. He heard a drawer open and close. His heart was racing, unsure of what Cas had planned, but he was excited to find out.

The bed sunk a little, then Cas was straddling his legs.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good, baby.”

Suddenly, Cas’s hands were rubbing up and down Dean’s back, slick with the warm oil he fetched from the drawer.

“You’re so tense, sweetheart. But don’t worry, I’m gonna work all the stress out of that beautiful body.” Cas said. It was meant to be sweet, Dean knew that, but his head twisted it.

He’s lying. You look disgusting. He doesn’t love you. This is pity. How could you let him touch you? You, with your repulsive body. Imagine how he feels. His hands running over your fat. Forcing himself to touch a monster. You think he likes this?

“So fucking beautiful.” He kissed his way down Dean’s spine, and that was the tipping point.

“Could you stop?”

Cas halted, sitting up.

“What’s wrong?”

Dean knew he was overreacting, and he didn’t want to tell Cas what he was thinking. He didn’t want to be lying on the bed and he didn’t want Cas to touch him.

“I don’t...You don’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I want to.”

Another lie. “He pities you.”

“How could you possibly…” He mumbled into the pillow, leaving the rest of the thought in his head.

“Dean, what’s going on?” Cas pushed himself off of Dean so they could both sit up on the bed.

“Nothing. I’m sorry, this was really sweet of you, but I’m not in the mood for this right now. I think I’m gonna go take a shower.” Dean hopped off the bed and went straight to the bathroom. He knew Cas was probably confused, but at least he didn’t have to look at or touch Dean anymore. It was a win/win if anything.

As the warm water sprayed over him, he thought about how he was a fuck up. He should be a better husband. Cas deserved a better husband. Someone he could be intimate with. Someone who could handle their shit. Cas deserved the person he married.

Lately though, it seemed like that person was getting harder and harder to find.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

By the time he woke up the next day, Cas had already headed off to work. Hopefully Cas would forget about the incident by the time he got home.

Dean knew he’d have the house to himself for most of the day, which usually was a good thing. However, this time around, it proved to be a catalyst for bad things. It didn’t take long for Dean to fuck up all the hard work he had put in.

Cas went shopping, and despite Dean’s requests for only healthy food, he brought home cupcakes and ice cream. Now, Dean could’ve binged on the lettuce and tomatoes Cas bought as well, but once he laid eyes on the sweets, his mind said “We have to get rid of it. We have to eat all of it now.”

And that’s exactly what he did.

He ate three of the cupcakes, and half a gallon of ice cream. He also fished out some pretzels and dipped them in peanut butter, right out of the jar. He could tell halfway through that he didn’t want to keep going, but his head insisted that he finish all of the food. By the time he finished his rampage through the kitchen, he felt bloated and disgusting.

If he didn’t eat anything else all day, he could justify it. This was just one large meal. If nothing else went in, then he wouldn’t have to force anything out. Balance.

It was around noon when Dean decided he would binge on an entire pizza for lunch. Fuck self-control. Fuck his plans. He had been craving it all week, and he finally caved. He had to wait for a day when he was off, and Cas had work, and today was the day. He preheated the oven and waited patiently as the meat lovers pizza cooked.

He didn’t even wait for it to cool, he cut it up, tossed it on a plate, and dug in. It burned his mouth, but he didn’t care. The cheese and the sauce and the meat tasted too good. He missed the simplicity of eating whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but this was exactly why he stopped. After eating the first slice, it started to become almost robotic; he’d pick up the next one and eat it as quickly as he could. He couldn’t tell if he was enjoying any part of it. There was no savoring of the flavors, only piling in the slices like a vacuumous hole. In no time, he had eaten the entire pizza.

Dean tried to convince himself not to feel bad, but nonetheless, the guilt began to grow.

His stomach felt overly full, the nausea followed right behind. He hated himself for doing this again. He didn’t have to eat the entire pizza, but if he didn’t eat all of it now, he’d have to eat it again later, and he couldn’t handle that. He wondered which would actually be worse? Eating the whole pizza at once, or eating some of it every day.

So he made his way to the bathroom to atone for his sins. He shut the door, ran the faucet, and grabbed his toothbrush before kneeling down in front of the toilet.

The rational part of his brain was screaming at him that he didn’t have to do this, but he didn’t listen. He braced himself and shoved the toothbrush down his throat, careful to keep his breathing regulated and his head far enough away from the water.

After a few shots at triggering his gag reflex, the pizza finally came back up. It was disgusting, but Dean knew this was the price he had to pay if he wanted to act like a fat ass. He had to get all of it out.

Dean was so consumed with the task at hand, that he didn’t hear the footsteps coming upstairs. Next thing he knew, there was a knock at the door.

“Dean? Dean open the door!” Cas demanded, pounding his fist against the wood.

What the hell was Cas doing home? He wasn’t supposed to be home for another three hours. This was bad. This was so, so, so, so bad.

“One sec!”

Dean flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth on the hand towel near the sink. When he opened the door, he wasn’t prepared for what he saw. The pity he was trying to avoid and the utter heartache blanketed Cas’s face. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut.

“I thought you were working?” Dean said, looking anywhere but directly at Cas.

“I was, we had a half-day today, I told you that. Did you...” Cas shook his head, and looked down at the floor, “You planned on me not being here didn’t you?”

Dean didn’t say anything. What could he say? He knew he couldn’t keep this a secret forever, but he didn’t want to hurt Cas. He could tell that’s exactly what he did.

“Cas, I’m sorry.” Dean finally lifted his eyes, feeling the tears welling up. He felt small and weak and he wanted to hide. He didn’t want to have to deal with this, but then he felt Cas’s arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

“Honey, what’s going on with you?”

Cas was always so considerate. Dean didn’t deserve him, he really didn’t. He didn’t deserve his comfort, or his love.

“I don’t know, Cas. Everything got out of hand. I never meant for you to… I’m so fucking sorry.”

Cas tightened his arms around Dean as if he’d disappear if he let him go.

“It’s ok. We’re gonna fix this. Whatever this is, we’re going to work through it,” he said, kissing the top of Dean’s head. Cas held him in the silence, nothing but their breathing and the warmth of each other occupying the space. Neither of them knew the right words to say, but they had each other.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

“Do you think it would be helpful to see someone? Like a therapist or something?” Cas was cradling Dean as they snuggled on their bed. It was easier for Dean to open up while feeling hidden under all the blankets.

“No. I don’t think that’s necessary. I slipped up, did something stupid. It’s not going to happen again.” Dean knew he shouldn’t lie, but he didn’t want some stranger poking around his personal life. Besides, it wasn’t serious. He ate food like a normal person most of the time, and he wasn’t skin and bones.

“You were throwing up your food, Dean. While I’m no expert, I think that might be something you should see a professional about.”

“I’ll tell you what, I think I can do it, just us two. If things get bad again, I promise you I’ll go see someone.”

Cas ran his hand up and down Dean’s arm, thinking it over. It seemed like a reasonable idea.

“I think that’s a compromise I can work with. But I’m telling you right now, if things get bad, you’re getting help. I love you too much to constantly see you struggling.”

Dean believed him. He knew Cas loved him, and he knew he had to try. He was scared though that instead of getting better, he would only get better at hiding his behavior.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

Over the next couple of weeks, Dean seemed to be making progress. He talked with Cas about what kinds of foods he wanted in the house and what he didn’t. Cas respectfully listened. They cooked meals together, when they could, and they made sure to eat together as much as possible. Sam even stopped over with a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup saying “Hey, it’s medicine for the soul.”

Dean was hoping Sam wouldn’t find out, but he should’ve known Sam would be the first person Cas called. It was awkward at first, but Dean was glad to know he had a solid support system.

Whenever the negative thoughts started to make their way into Dean’s head, he called up Cas or texted Sam or took a walk. Something to distract himself until the thoughts went away.

It was going smooth, until Dean messed up on a report at work. He put some wrong numbers in, threw off the entire thing, and the company had to make up for it. His boss sent him home early. He told him one more screw up like that, and he’d be fired.

It was a Tuesday, which meant Cas and Sam were both working. He knew they couldn’t call him. He shot them both a text on the off chance that one of them would answer. After 20 minutes, Dean caved.

He knew he shouldn’t eat as a way to deal with his emotions, but damn it, he didn’t know what else to do. He scoured the cupboards for junk food, finding very little thanks to their recent shift to healthier foods. He found a container of nutella, microwave popcorn, instant oatmeal, mini marshmallows, and some sugar free pudding cups.

While the popcorn popped, Dean shoved as much of the other foods into his mouth as he could. He gulped down the pudding, shoved a handful of marshmallows into the jar of nutella and ate it by the spoonful. He mixed up the oatmeal and while that cooked, he scarfed down the popcorn.

He found a soda way in the back of the fridge and drank that as he ate the super sweet oatmeal.

By the time he was done, he thought his stomach was going to explode. He felt like shit, both physically and emotionally. He wasn’t so much upset anymore, as he was disappointed and disgusted with himself. How could he ruin all the progress he had made? How could he do this again?

He already knew where he was headed. Up the stairs and straight into the bathroom. He was so full, the toothbrush barely touched the back of his tongue before he was throwing up.

It went on for what felt like forever. He needed to be empty. He needed to start over, clean slate. He couldn’t believe he fucked up so bad.

He cleaned his face, brushed his teeth and headed into his room. He opened the top drawer on the left and pulled out a small bundle of dress socks. Hidden inside was a small sheet of laxatives. Dean didn’t know if it would help or not, but he figured he’d have less food inside of him if he was forced to shit all of it out.

He swallowed two of the tiny pills, and made his way downstairs to clean up.

After things were tidy, Dean decided to relax and take it easy. His body felt awful and he honestly didn’t want to move.

After a couple hours, Cas finally came home. Dean tried to play off his sickness by fake taking a nap.

“Alright sleepy head, I’m going to start dinner, I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

And that was that. Dean layed on the couch for maybe an hour, when Cas called him to come eat.

As soon as he stood up, a wave of pain hit him. His stomach was cramping, he felt nauseated, and was a little dizzy.

“I’ll be there in a sec. I’m just gonna wash up.” Dean said as he quickly made his way to the bathroom.

He locked the door and dropped to his knees, confused as to how he could be feeling nauseated if he hadn’t eaten anything since he puked earlier. Then he remembered: the laxatives.

Maybe his body was rejecting them? Like when you drink too much and you puke cause your body is like “Whoa pal, WAY too much poison!”

Maybe that’s what this was.

But then the wave of nausea passed and it gave way to something that felt much worse. Dean sat on the toilet, feeling cramps in his stomach that were worse than anything he’s ever experienced.

All of a sudden it felt like his insides were on fire. He was afraid that one of his organs had ruptured and that he was bleeding internally. Everything felt bad.

The laxatives must’ve kicked in, because next thing he knew, excrement was shooting out of his body. His intestines burned, and everything hurt. He thought he was going to die.

He tried to stand up, but he was too dizzy. His hearing started to fade, followed by his vision. Everything got hazy. Then everything went black.

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

Dean woke up to a steady beep echoing in the room. As he opened his eyes, he realized he wasn’t home. He was in the hospital.

“Shit.” It was dark, and Dean could barely make out his surroundings. He had a pounding headache, and his mouth felt dry.

“Hey, you’re up! How are you feeling?” Cas said, rushing over to his bedside.

“Like a train hit me. What happened?”

“You passed out in the bathroom. I had to kick the door in to get to you. I thought you were dead.”

“Fuck.”

“Luckily the doctors said you’re just dehydrated. Couple rounds of IVs and you should be alright.”

Dean hated that look on Cas’s face. The sadness, the pity, the heart ache. He hated even more that he was the one who caused it.

“Cas, I’m so sorry-”

“Shh. We’ll talk about it later. Right now, you need to rest.” Cas ran his hand through Dean’s hair, a gentle loving gesture to let him know he was there. “I wanted to be here when you woke up, so I stayed for a couple hours. Unfortunately, I think I’m going to head home now, cause it’s so late, but I’ll be back as soon as I get out of work tomorrow.”

“I have to stay here?”

“The doctors are still waiting for some test results to come back. They said it would be for the best if they kept you overnight. Sam said he’s going to stop by in the morning, so you’ll have some company.”

“Ok.”

Cas tucked Dean into the hospital bed then leaned over to place a kiss on his forehead. “I love you.”

Dean smiled. “I love you too.”

 

|~~~*****~~~|

 

It was sometime in the late afternoon when Cas showed up to the hospital. He really came right over after work. When he walked in, Dean was sitting in his bed, watching TV. As soon as Dean saw him, a huge smile swept over his face.

“Well, if you aren’t the best damn thing I’ve seen all day!”

“I’m sure Sam would appreciate that.”

“Ehh, he’s a close 2nd.”

Cas went over and gave Dean a hug, keeping one arm behind his back.

“What do you got there?” Dean asked, trying to pull Cas’s arm forward.

“It’s a gift, for you. Just a little something that I thought would boost your spirits.” Cas brought his hand forward, revealing a bouquet of flowers and a construction paper card. “My students asked why I looked so sad today, and I told them that you were sick and that I was worried about you, so they insisted that we all make you a “Get Well Soon” card.”

Dean opened it up and it was adorable. All the students signed it and put little messages on it.

“Get better soon!” “Sorry you got sick” And lots of little hearts and stickers. One kid just drew a skateboarding monster, but Dean still appreciated the sentiment.

“This is great. Thank you.”

Cas pulled the chair in the corner up next to the bed and sat down. There was a moment of silence as Dean looked over the card. The room was still, except for the background murmur of the TV and the chatter down the hall.

“You scared me, you know.” Cas said, sliding his hand over Dean’s, the pain obvious on his face, though he tried to hide it.

Dean nodded. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. To be fair, he didn’t ever think it would get as bad as it did, but then again, when you flirt with death…

“I didn’t know what to think. You were barely conscious, you couldn’t speak. I thought I lost you.” Cas stopped, looking down at the floor.

“I was stupid. I took things too far and it got out of hand. I never meant for something like this to happen.”

“I know. But it scares me. When you’re feeling down, I’m supposed to be there for you, but I couldn’t even manage to do that.”

“Don’t you go blaming yourself for this. You have been more supportive than I deserve. You have made sure I stuck to our plan. You have held me and talked with me and been the best husband I could’ve asked for. You did nothing wrong, and you are not the problem here, so don’t you ever say that again.”

Cas knew it wasn’t his fault, but he hated the idea that the man he loved could be suffering, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“You’re right. Never mind all that.” Cas wiped the tears from his eyes. “I’m just happy you’re here and that we get to spend another day together.”

He kissed Dean’s knuckles and smiled, full of love and compassion.

Dean couldn’t imagine what it would be like to never see that smile again. He couldn’t believe he put himself in a position like this. He realized he had to fight. He had to get better, because there was nothing he wanted more than to spend the rest of his life, happy and healthy, with the man he loved. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, that there would be a lot of ups and downs, but damn it, he was going to try.

He looked down at Cas, and he saw his future. He saw all the possibilities of tomorrow. He saw forever.

“You know, Cas … I’m happy I’m here too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading!  
> Feel free to leave kudos or comments!
> 
> I, by no means, am trying to encourage any of the behavior displayed in this story.  
> I have been going through some things lately and decided to put it in a fic so that I didn't keep it bottled up inside. 
> 
> Always Keep Fighting! <3


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